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NickD

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I agree with georgie... comedy geniusssssI have no decent jokes :angry:how about....There was a boat that was shipwrecked on an uninhabited island. On it there was 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, 2 Welshmen and 2 Englishmen.After a year the 2 Scots had started up a distillary, making whiskey. The two Welshmen had started a Choir. The two Irishmen were fighting on the beach and the 2 Englishmen were still on the boat waiting to be formally introduced. :angry:Billy Connelly (is that spelt right? I can never spell his surname)..... woop woop! .. 'Tis better when he tells it

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Jimmy was getting married and wanted to know why the woman's wedding dress was always white, so he goes and asks his mum and she replies,"It's obvious Jimmy, it represents the pure goodness and angel you will marry that day"Jimmy wasn't completely satisfied with this answer so goes to his dad and asks the same question and the dad replied,"I thought it was obvious son, all domestic appliances come in white"

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Whats green and says "hey I'm a frog!"A TALKING FROG! HAHAHHAAHAHHAIts the funniest joke EVER when you have the giggles!

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An English man, scottish man and irish man all work on a buildings sightone day there openeing there lunch, and the english man opens his sandwich to find ham" I always get ham" he says " if I get ham 1 more time I'm gonna kill myself"the irish man opens his sandwich to find cheese" I always get cheese" he says " if I get cheese 1 more time I'm gonna kill myself"the irish man opens his sandwich to find gammon" I always get gammon" he says "if I get gammon 1 more time I'm gonna kill myself"so the next day their all opening their sandwiches, the english man opens it and finds ham, so he jumps off and kills himselfthe scots man opends his sandwich to find cheeseso he jumps off and kills himselfthe irish man opens his sandwich to find gammonso he jumps off and kills himself.At the funeral the three wives meet " I wish I hadn't always given him ham" says the English mans wife, " yeah I wish I hadn't always given him cheese" agrees the scotsmans wife. The irish mans wife looks at the other two and says " I don't understand it, Paddy made his own sandiwches"

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Penguin walks into a shop and asks for a pint of milk" Sorry we don't serve penguins in here" says the shopkeeper, so the penguin walks outNext day the penguin walks into the same shop and asks for a pint of milk" I told you we don't serve penguins in here" says the shopkeeper, so the penguin waddles out.Next day the penguin returms again and asks for a pint of milk" We don't serve penguins in here! and if you come in again, I'll nail you to the floor." Said the shopkeeper. So the penguin waddles outNext day the penguin returns again and says " Have you got any nails?""No!" says the shopkeeper" In that case, can I have a pint of milk" says the penguin. ;) No chance thats offending anyone.

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OK, I've heard 3 good jokes this week, 2 of them are from this weeks Nuts:Q: What's the difference between Old Trafford and a circus?A: One's a cunning array of stunts!(I'll let you guess what the other is :P)Q: Two bags of sick are walking down the road together. Suddenly, one stops and starts crying. "Whatever's the matter?" his mate asks him. "Oh dear" the crying sick says. "This is where I was brought up."Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit U.S dollar note and Kylie Minogue?A: One's a foney buck.(I'll let you guess what the other is :P)And one I heard a few weeks ago:Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?A: The pigeon can put a deposit on a BMW.

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My boyfriend told me the other day that his bestfriend died by drowning on his own vomit.So I said "Is that some kind of sick choke?"My dog just died, but I'm not too upset....it was a bitch

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Here's some classics hope no one takes offence or get warning :rolleyes: There were three blondes stuck on an island and they had been there for a few days, when they stumbled across a magical lamp. One of the blonde's rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out and offers to grant each of them a wish.The first blonde says, "Make me smart so I can think of a way to get off this island."He points his finger at her, and she turns into a redhead. Then she heads to the water and swims towards land.The next blonde says, "Make me even smarter than her so I can get off this island!"So he points his finger and she becomes a brunette, and she builds a boat and sets sail.The last one says "Make me smarter than both of them combined!!"The genie points his finger at her and turns her into a man, the man then walks across the foot bridge back to mainland.   New ones I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got 1 arm bless him.I shouted, "Where you off to Charlie?" He said "I'm going to change a light bulb."I laughed my ****ing head off and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?"Not really" he said, "I've still got the ****in receipt, you spiteful ****"Warning! There's been a fight in the biscuit tin. A lad called Rocky, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him 2a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut and an accomplice, only known to the police as Rich T. Unfortunately they dont have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it .A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep an a collie dog for company. After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep. The collie dogs instincts kick in and it won't let him anywhere near the sheep. The following morning, to his delight, a beautiful young girl is washed ashore. "you've saved my life" says the Welshman, "can you take this ****ing dog for a walk?"Sorry I'f offended welsh wasn't intended A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.The Doctor asks: "What happened?"The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time myhusband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.  When yourhusband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and startswishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow ituntil he goes to bed and is asleep."Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!  Every time myhusband came home drunk, I swished with water.  I swished andswished, and he didn't touch me!  How does the water do that?"The Doctor says: "The water does f**k all…it's keeping your mouthshut that does the trick...." Got loads more but too rude to post :P

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1. I used to think drinking was bad for me......so I gave up thinking.. 2. Sometimes I like to fill my bath with Skittles and pretend I'm Godzilla in a ball pit.3. Simon says jump! Very good! But Simon didn't say land so you're all out

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right as the majority of my jokes are too rude to be screened I will share my first joke I ever learnt....

Why did the orange cross the road?

It wanted to play squash.

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