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An 8 year old me found this hilarious...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third moey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

Yeah, I'm not sure why it tickled me so much.

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When I heard this joke I was laughing so much.

The day after I realized how bad it was...

Q.What did the man say when he lost his watch?

A."Where's my watch!"

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Two blondes went into a pet store. They both bought a puppy. The next morning, one blonde came running up to the other and said " I can't tell which one's mine!". So they thought long and hard about what they could do to be able to tell them apart. Suddenly one of them said " I know, we could put a blue ribbon on one, and a red ribbon on the other!". So they did that. However, the next morning one of them came running up to the other and said " I can't tell which one's mine! Their ribbons came off while they were playing!". So once again they thought long and hard about what they could do to be able to tell them apart. Then suddenly one of them said " I know, we could put a blue collar on one and a red collar on the other!". So that's what they did. However, the next morning one came running up to the other and said " I can't tell which one's mine! Their collars came off while they were playing!". Yet again they sat down and spent ages thinking about what they could do to be able to tell them apart. And suddenly one of them said "I know, How about I have the chihuahua and you have the husky!".

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I got another blonde joke...

OK, so two blondes were walking through a forest when they came across some tracks. One blonde said "look, bear tracks!" Then, the other blonde said " no they are definitely deer tracks." So they argued about it- "bear tracks!", "deer tracks!", "bear track!s", "no, deer tracks", "bear tracks!", "deer tracks!", So they kept on arguing... And then they got run over by a train...

:D

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect

order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS

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An 8 year old me found this hilarious...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third moey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

Yeah, I'm not sure why it tickled me so much.

Now I understand why you picked that profile picture!

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All the jokes I know are blonde jokes so here's another...

A man walks into a shed to see a blonde hanging from a piece of rope attached to her wrist. He asks her what she was doing and she replied "I am trying to commit suicide". The man says "well aren't you supposed to have the rope tied round your neck?". The blonde then replies "well I tried that, but I couldn't breathe".

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I want to see the best of the cracker jokes you get over the next couple of days. Here's a terrible starter...

What's the best present to give at Christmas?

A broken drum. You just can't beat it!

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(This is a Tim Vine joke, but it's sure worth spreading!)

 

The scariest thing happened to me today. I was mucking about in class and the teacher made me stand outside... It was a flying lesson!

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(This shouldn't be taken seriously)

 

If you pass your exams, they were probably marked by Dr Kelman.

If you fail your exams, they were probably marked by Gandalf.

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I got a Thorpe park joke that I found on the internet today..

Yo mama's so fat that she got into Thorpe Park with a group discount!

My friend said she didn't have that stomach for stealth- she was too fat to fit in the seat!

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Last night, I dreamt I was the author of the Lord of the Rings series. I was Tolkien in my sleep!

 

Well you've gotta have a Hobbit - THERE'S THE EXTRA ONE! :D

 

 

 

...and the night before I dreamt I was stuck driving around a roundabout and with my right hand I was steering and with my left I was making pancakes. All night tossing and turning!

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