SteveJ

Those aren’t even memes, they’re abominations. Generally, the ‘when X happens’ followed by a photo of someone making a face ‘meme’ has about as much comedic quality as Amy Schumer taking a ****. 

People (usually just ride area managers or in-house scenic people if you're lucky) who do these zero-budget revamps don't often realise you cant actually just paint over a surface that's already been painted and expect it to last.

That whole Rumba revamp was drab, drab, drab. But it's not really their fault, it's more that Merlin will just never pay for a proper job for something like that sadly

People (usually just ride area managers or in-house scenic people if you're lucky) who do these zero-budget revamps don't often realise you cant actually just paint over a surface that's already been painted and expect it to last.

That whole Rumba revamp was drab, drab, drab. But it's not really their fault, it's more that Merlin will just never pay for a proper job for something like that sadly

Ride Access Pass is the most abused systems in these parks (and often impractical to use for people who actually need it!)

Ride Access Pass is the most abused systems in these parks (and often impractical to use for people who actually need it!)

Ride Access Pass is the most abused systems in these parks (and often impractical to use for people who actually need it!)

Never before have I ever witnessed something more ironic than this...
 

 
Funny how so many can join a cattle pen queue this long to get a RAP but can't wait 5 minutes for Flying Fish...
 

I really like the way Paultons are marketing this, very refreshing to see clues given away in a fun, but not irritating or self-indulgent way.
 
Fingers crossed the park can scale up the marketing successfully when the time's right and get this project in the limelight.

By jamming a (pretty overblown) theme down your throat and trying very hard to be dramatic as you walk down a concrete path to nowhere. Honestly the old music had more character at the end of the day.
 
The amount of times a new park marketing director (or whoever) comes in and says, 'you know what will turn around this park? New font, new catchphrase and new music!'

It's just papering over massive cracks at the moment.

By jamming a (pretty overblown) theme down your throat and trying very hard to be dramatic as you walk down a concrete path to nowhere. Honestly the old music had more character at the end of the day.
 
The amount of times a new park marketing director (or whoever) comes in and says, 'you know what will turn around this park? New font, new catchphrase and new music!'

It's just papering over massive cracks at the moment.

By jamming a (pretty overblown) theme down your throat and trying very hard to be dramatic as you walk down a concrete path to nowhere. Honestly the old music had more character at the end of the day.
 
The amount of times a new park marketing director (or whoever) comes in and says, 'you know what will turn around this park? New font, new catchphrase and new music!'

It's just papering over massive cracks at the moment.

By jamming a (pretty overblown) theme down your throat and trying very hard to be dramatic as you walk down a concrete path to nowhere. Honestly the old music had more character at the end of the day.
 
The amount of times a new park marketing director (or whoever) comes in and says, 'you know what will turn around this park? New font, new catchphrase and new music!'

It's just papering over massive cracks at the moment.

Yep. I am utterly disillusioned with all things Merlin, which can pretty much be read as UK theme parks. I'm happier not giving them my money than I am getting a few rides but being generally pissed off with most things in the park while I'm there. I find myself enjoying the physical sensation of the rides, but very little else (what else is there now?!) and the way the parks are run makes me want to sit down and cry the rest of the time I'm there. It's like they actively want me not to enjoy myself.
 
I've NEVER been to Legoland. The shame!
 
Paultons gives me hope for being fabulous, it's a bit far away though. Fortunately I have a 6 months old daughter, so will have all the excuses to go there frequently soon enough. I'm also a Pleasure Beach fan, but Blackpool is to far for now with her in tow.  
 
I didn't visit any Merlin park last year, they don't deserve me. Two major new rides open in the UK and I've done neither of them. Unthinkable a decade ago.
 
I get my thrill fix from passing visits to Adventure Island, Carter Steam Fair and Winter Wonderland. That'll have to do for now. 

I think as far as guests are concerned its just an attraction at Alton Towers that you have to pay extra for. It's like Merlin are franchising their own 'brands' within their own theme parks, like calling the park's aquarium 'Sea Life'.

Merlin are all about brands. Now they're using brands to make people pay extra and as an excuse to not come up with new attractions.

I think that's the worst aspect of it, even if the finished result had been really good, it's just another step in the death of new ideas and taking creative 'risks'. I thought Wicker Man would prove otherwise, but all they did was copy that theme for Heide Park and turn it into another 'formula'!

I heard there might be a backdoor arrangement that Merlin's midway division part-funds the Towers Dungeon to exclude from the park's operational cost. So yes, but how budgets are divided  internal to Merlin doesnt really matter outside the company.

 

Alright, I've had a day to think over what these dungeons are like after experiencing it last Sunday and are going to be brutally honest with it now after the experience I had and will present my opinion of it as a paying customer who dedicated nearly an hour of their 10am - 5pm day on this thing; not as a theme park blogger who is in Merlin/Alton's good graces and paid zilch to experience it.
 
Contrary to all the positive reviews that are going around right now for it from all the theme park bloggers/vloggers/YouTube "celebrities", I'm sorry, but this is without a doubt the worst Dungeon I have done and I would go as far to say the worst attraction Alton Towers have ever given us in the 21 years I have been visiting this place year-on-year since 1998, and that's saying something. It goes almost entirely against what makes all the other Dungeons enjoyable attractions and it falls flat on delivering a comprehensive experience for guests with no proper thought or imagination put into the product and here's why.
 
All the other Dungeons I have experienced immerse you properly into each scene with details and theming across every corner, from the flooring, walls, scenery and the actors. Despite many of them having bare roofing such as the London one for example, you tend to forget about it all with every scene and focus your attention on the actor and surroundings, as per you should, so this missing detail never really posed a problem for me with the others. With the Alton Towers one however, the very opposite occurs.
 
For every scene you go through, I kid you not, there are flat black walls literally everywhere you look from the sides, behind you, the ceiling and even amongst the theming where the actor stands. It look horrendous and every room made you feel like you were in a big black box that had been assembled quickly and cheaply with timber wall panels. There was no texture to any of them, no deformation and no disguising of the walls in any room to make you feel as though you are in a dungeon. It just looks incredibly lazy and cheap and no attempt whatsoever was done to immerse guests 360 degrees unlike all the other Dungeons.
 
The entrance to the attraction I still hold the view looks disgustingly ugly and cheap. Whilst in-person it looks a little better than through a screen, you can tell it was built on a budget with the randomly placed barrels and crates outside the entrance, along with the temporary fire torches fenced off. Most unforgiving of all is there is still an entire section of the entrance to the left in front of the lift towers with nothing but a giant 30ft black wall. Clearly the park ran out of wooden supports to cover this up properly during construction, so their solution to this problem was to pop down to the local B&Q and buy 50L of Dulux EasyCare Rich Black paint to cover up the shadows of the deceased Oompa Loompas peeking through the 2D windows. I'm guessing with the amount of black walls inside the attraction they had plenty to spare to cover this up too...
 
Take a look here at what I mean. Taken on Sunday 24th March. It's so revolting to look at:


 
As for the Black River boat ride, it's the same story - paint every wall black and leave it. The ride follows through the same route as Charlie, but believe it or not, it's now even barer than before with very little decoration or theming present in any portion. There are a few projectors on flat walls as you go round showing the shadows of victims being tortured, a couple of water jets to get you wet, a single animatronic which just bobs up and down ever so slightly in a cauldron, a single projector on a mannequin head and a single oddly-placed smoke machine. That is quite literally it for 4 minutes straight. There are no proper special effects anywhere inside, many zones had no audio playing, there are just black walls and tunnels for 80% of it and most unforgivable is the park were too lazy to remove the old theming from Charlie such as the water wheel in the station and the mirrored section towards the end where Sonic used to be on Toyland Tours. There is so much empty space and wasted area on this ride now that it makes Charlie look like a masterpiece compared to "Black Walls - The Ride". It's so, so bad.
 
From here, it's pretty much your bog standard Dungeon attraction where there are various scenes stolen copied from other existing ones. Each scene did have its little twist added to the script referencing Alton Towers instead, but 95% of it was exactly the same as all the others. The Plague Doctor was 100% the same as the London one (though with very few effects) and so was The Torturer. The Judge scene was a little different but followed the same procedure - 3 people chosen, 1 found guilty after just saying where they were from. The Highwayman was identical to Ms. Lovett's pie shop mixed with Sweeney Todd at London where it used identical sound effects and audio and had the moving chairs with prodders. Lastly, the Haunting for the last scene was pretty good overall I will admit with some nice use of lighting and sound effects, similar to Witches of Warwick. Was a decent finale.
 
As for the acting though, I've gotta hand it to those in there, they did a fantastic job in every scene. The actors performed brilliantly with plenty of adult humour which I liked and were interacting with guests very well. In fact, I would go as far to say the actors Alton have for this Dungeon are better than any other I have done before, so well done for hiring the right people!

But that all aside, even though the acting was brilliant, the rest of it was a total mess. The biggest problem I have is the fact so many areas of the attraction consist of nothing but black walls everywhere in every scene and it's the dominating and most noticeable feature of every room. Each scene I would say is 70:30 in favour of black walls to theming and it looks really rushed in many areas, especially the transitions between each scene which once again are just black walls with no theming or detail put into them either. It is quite literally one giant yet claustrophobic rectangular black box one after the other for the majority of the experience. With the other dungeons, you at least have stuff to see, hear and feel which the London one is especially good at. But for the Alton Towers one? The only thing you can smell is the fumes of freshly coated black Dulux paint mixed with touching the sloppily finished un-sanded walls, and flooring which still has outlines of Charlie's theming and fencing present. It really is genuinely like this inside.
 
The thing to bear in mind is that this is an attraction every guest unless you are an AT Premium Pass Holder will need to pay £5 for in order to experience, and I am telling you right now, I was really cheesed off my money went on this experience after finishing. There is no way in hell this is worth the upcharge the park is enforcing, because you can get a much better Dungeon experience across any other corner of the country for free compared to this if you are a MAP. It's completely unjustifiable in my view given there is a serious lack of quality and finish present in this version and you are frankly better off getting two medium Costa cappuccinos in Forbidden Valley for your fiver.
 
Now, you might say "it's not finished yet hence the black walls", but I would then question why the heck are the park charging customers for a half-baked product if it's evidently not ready? Either open it when it's 100% right (yeah, just like DBGT remember...), or have some decency and not charge guests at all for it until it is fully completed.
 
Lastly, I want to emphasise on a point @Martin Doyle made above a few posts ago. You might be reading and hearing many great reviews out there for the Alton Towers Dungeon right now from all the big and famous theme park fans out there with a massive following, but please take what you hear from them with a massive grain of salt. These are the same groups of people that praised Thorpe Park's Fright Nights last year with some going as far to say it was the "best Fright Nights yet", so it's obviously evident some of them are in Merlin's good graces when writing their reviews and are restricted on what they really think about it.
 
Instead, I implore you to focus your attention and effort on those who have actually paid the £5 admission for this attraction and dedicated an hour of their time in the park for it. These reviews are far more credible and realistic through my eyes as they tend to speak their mind properly with no filters in place and aren't towing the company's line of being overly-positive about everything Merlin creates.
 
To summarise my experience of the attraction, it would be this - a lacklustre, short-sighted and rushed mess that made Charlie and the Chocolate Factory look phenomenal in comparison.
 
Still, it is better than nothing right?............Oh wait, black walls are nothing............
 
Alton Towers Dungeon - 3/10

A bit like Gruffalo compared to Prof Burp's, these dark rides are decent but their appeal narrowed down to 'little kids' rather than something that can be enjoyed by a range of kids.

If it wasn't durable to last then should have been replaced, but I doubt they got granted the money to do that.

The Swarm, now that your PR value has gone, welcome to the list of rides Merlin no longer consider worth maintaining!

One would assume that the attraction is more simplified, not that HPH was the peak of imaginative walkthrough story telling, it had side parts and interactivity throughout...
 
Room on the Broom is probably more of the kids don't use their brains so why bother being imaginative nonsense...

StevenVig being unnecessarily sarcastic about a justified comment? Shock horror

Merlin have enough money to build as is, the profit from Dungeon will be going straight into the bank. It's probably ticketed to  cover costs of the actors. They managed to build big projects for 20 years without replacing free major attractions with ticketed ones.

If the lighting and sets did their job right, you'd be naturally misdirected and wouldnt notice what you're not supposed to anyway. Guests shouldnt' have to actively focus on only where the lighting 'wants' you to, it's a subliminal thing. Not unless you purposefully turn around and look where you wouldnt think to, which I don't think is what the poster was doing.

If the sets are done in such a way that you notice these things, then something's up. It won't be a major complaint from guests obviously but it all adds to the overall experience

I think as far as guests are concerned its just an attraction at Alton Towers that you have to pay extra for. It's like Merlin are franchising their own 'brands' within their own theme parks, like calling the park's aquarium 'Sea Life'.

Merlin are all about brands. Now they're using brands to make people pay extra and as an excuse to not come up with new attractions.

I think that's the worst aspect of it, even if the finished result had been really good, it's just another step in the death of new ideas and taking creative 'risks'. I thought Wicker Man would prove otherwise, but all they did was copy that theme for Heide Park and turn it into another 'formula'!

I heard there might be a backdoor arrangement that Merlin's midway division part-funds the Towers Dungeon to exclude from the park's operational cost. So yes, but how budgets are divided  internal to Merlin doesnt really matter outside the company.

 

I think as far as guests are concerned its just an attraction at Alton Towers that you have to pay extra for. It's like Merlin are franchising their own 'brands' within their own theme parks, like calling the park's aquarium 'Sea Life'.

Merlin are all about brands. Now they're using brands to make people pay extra and as an excuse to not come up with new attractions.

I think that's the worst aspect of it, even if the finished result had been really good, it's just another step in the death of new ideas and taking creative 'risks'. I thought Wicker Man would prove otherwise, but all they did was copy that theme for Heide Park and turn it into another 'formula'!

I heard there might be a backdoor arrangement that Merlin's midway division part-funds the Towers Dungeon to exclude from the park's operational cost. So yes, but how budgets are divided  internal to Merlin doesnt really matter outside the company.

 

And that is precisely why I did not even bother to think about this abomination “funding future projects”
 
I think it’s safe to say Alton Towers make enough money with
 
1. Food
2. Merchandise
3. Ticket sales
4. Fastrack
5. On ride photos
6. Parking
7. Hotel prices
 
and much more for them to NOT have to start opening damned upcharge attractions... especially upcharged attractions where you can get longer and better versions of them for free!!
 
Assuming M£rlin decide to actually give the money raised by those actually to Alton Towers and not towards building another 1 million Legolands!!

Merlin have enough money to build as is, the profit from Dungeon will be going straight into the bank. It's probably ticketed to  cover costs of the actors. They managed to build big projects for 20 years without replacing free major attractions with ticketed ones.

If the lighting and sets did their job right, you'd be naturally misdirected and wouldnt notice what you're not supposed to anyway. Guests shouldnt' have to actively focus on only where the lighting 'wants' you to, it's a subliminal thing. Not unless you purposefully turn around and look where you wouldnt think to, which I don't think is what the poster was doing.

If the sets are done in such a way that you notice these things, then something's up. It won't be a major complaint from guests obviously but it all adds to the overall experience

Merlin have enough money to build as is, the profit from Dungeon will be going straight into the bank. It's probably ticketed to  cover costs of the actors. They managed to build big projects for 20 years without replacing free major attractions with ticketed ones.

If the lighting and sets did their job right, you'd be naturally misdirected and wouldnt notice what you're not supposed to anyway. Guests shouldnt' have to actively focus on only where the lighting 'wants' you to, it's a subliminal thing. Not unless you purposefully turn around and look where you wouldnt think to, which I don't think is what the poster was doing.

If the sets are done in such a way that you notice these things, then something's up. It won't be a major complaint from guests obviously but it all adds to the overall experience