December 28, 201212 yr comment_146696 An 8 year old me found this hilarious... Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first monkey. Why did the third moey fall out of the tree? He thought it was a game. Yeah, I'm not sure why it tickled me so much.
December 29, 201212 yr comment_146718 Two snowmen were talking and one said to the other, can you smell carrots?
January 21, 201312 yr comment_148556 It's not a joke, but: http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2012 Just given my stomach a proper workout by laughing at this for the past five minutes! That last one, it gets me so much! GAAH the pain! But laughter really is the best medicine though!
January 21, 201312 yr comment_148563 When I heard this joke I was laughing so much. The day after I realized how bad it was... Q.What did the man say when he lost his watch? A."Where's my watch!"
January 26, 201312 yr comment_149028 Two blondes went into a pet store. They both bought a puppy. The next morning, one blonde came running up to the other and said " I can't tell which one's mine!". So they thought long and hard about what they could do to be able to tell them apart. Suddenly one of them said " I know, we could put a blue ribbon on one, and a red ribbon on the other!". So they did that. However, the next morning one of them came running up to the other and said " I can't tell which one's mine! Their ribbons came off while they were playing!". So once again they thought long and hard about what they could do to be able to tell them apart. Then suddenly one of them said " I know, we could put a blue collar on one and a red collar on the other!". So that's what they did. However, the next morning one came running up to the other and said " I can't tell which one's mine! Their collars came off while they were playing!". Yet again they sat down and spent ages thinking about what they could do to be able to tell them apart. And suddenly one of them said "I know, How about I have the chihuahua and you have the husky!".
January 28, 201312 yr comment_149120 I got another blonde joke... OK, so two blondes were walking through a forest when they came across some tracks. One blonde said "look, bear tracks!" Then, the other blonde said " no they are definitely deer tracks." So they argued about it- "bear tracks!", "deer tracks!", "bear track!s", "no, deer tracks", "bear tracks!", "deer tracks!", So they kept on arguing... And then they got run over by a train...
January 31, 201312 yr comment_149297 Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS
January 31, 201312 yr comment_149304 An 8 year old me found this hilarious... Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first monkey. Why did the third moey fall out of the tree? He thought it was a game. Yeah, I'm not sure why it tickled me so much. Now I understand why you picked that profile picture!
January 31, 201312 yr comment_149312 All the jokes I know are blonde jokes so here's another... A man walks into a shed to see a blonde hanging from a piece of rope attached to her wrist. He asks her what she was doing and she replied "I am trying to commit suicide". The man says "well aren't you supposed to have the rope tied round your neck?". The blonde then replies "well I tried that, but I couldn't breathe".
March 14, 201312 yr comment_153053 How do you confuse an archioligist? * ** *** **** ***** Give him a tampon and ask him what period its from XD
May 1, 201312 yr comment_158067 A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?
December 24, 201311 yr comment_173564 I want to see the best of the cracker jokes you get over the next couple of days. Here's a terrible starter... What's the best present to give at Christmas? A broken drum. You just can't beat it!
December 24, 201311 yr comment_173583 What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
December 25, 201311 yr comment_173594 What did Miley Cyrus eat for dinner on Christmas day? A twerkey
December 25, 201311 yr comment_173596 I got a Tablet today! Yeah. I got a bag of them from my local pharmacist! ;)
December 28, 201311 yr comment_173662 (This is a Tim Vine joke, but it's sure worth spreading!) The scariest thing happened to me today. I was mucking about in class and the teacher made me stand outside... It was a flying lesson!
December 28, 201311 yr comment_173663 A fireman goes to a fire in a restaurant. He subsequently walks out. It's only Chessington.
June 23, 201411 yr comment_185707 (This shouldn't be taken seriously) If you pass your exams, they were probably marked by Dr Kelman. If you fail your exams, they were probably marked by Gandalf.
August 13, 201411 yr comment_188570 I got a Thorpe park joke that I found on the internet today.. Yo mama's so fat that she got into Thorpe Park with a group discount! My friend said she didn't have that stomach for stealth- she was too fat to fit in the seat!
August 13, 201411 yr comment_188615 Last night, I dreamt I was the author of the Lord of the Rings series. I was Tolkien in my sleep! Well you've gotta have a Hobbit - THERE'S THE EXTRA ONE! ...and the night before I dreamt I was stuck driving around a roundabout and with my right hand I was steering and with my left I was making pancakes. All night tossing and turning!
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